Self-care is constantly on your mind, it’s all over your conversations, and the more you try to do it, the more distress it causes in your life.

Not at all the result you’re going for.

Let’s talk about how you’ve found yourself here, how you’re (likely unknowingly) contributing to this stressful self-care situation, and what to finally do about it to actually get what you need out of self-care.

Dominant culture has us overwhelmed and stressing about self-care.

The truth is: Everyone is always thinking about and talking about self-care in some way, shape or form because we are stressed out and burned out and it is all tanking our mental and emotional health. 

I’ll be honest, where you find yourself is only partly your fault (maybe 20%?) and the rest is on society.

Here’s how:

1.

The systems we are living under were developed to force us to feel this way.

I don’t just mean feeling overwhelmed, off, super stressed, or anything else that’s hard to navigate, because YES the systems were designed for this to be our very real experiences. We know this. AND. The systems are also designed for us to feel inadequate and like we should be doing more (even when it comes to our self-care!) as we try to soothe ourselves, survive, disrupt, dismantle, and rebuild.

2.

Society offers us idealistic (and often unreachable) examples of self-care, especially when it comes to reducing stress.

I’m looking at you bubble baths, mini vacations, “retail therapy”, and the rest of the examples of pampering you see all over the internet. And it’s true, these things ARE self-care (and I want them for you!) but they’re not all of what self-care is. And it’s often this picture we have in our heads when we think of managing our stress.

3.

Society often paints a picture of self-care being easy to do

And the examples dominant culture gives us, that’s 1) when have reached a certain status in our work (when we’d then have more money and freedom), 2)  if we’d just make enough time for it, or 3) if we’d try hard enough to do it.

And that’s also some gaslighting BS. 

The reality is: You keep putting pressure on yourself to do self-care like it’s this mighty, all-powerful, supreme thing.

Every day you’re giving away whole minutes to agonizing over eating, drinking, exercise, sleeping, and all the other things you are (or aren’t) doing for yourself. 

You’re likely shaming yourself as you reflect on the day, telling yourself you didn’t do self-care at all or enough or didn’t do the right things for your care. 

You probably guilt yourself into doing self-care a certain way because of the idea you have in your head of what it’s supposed to look like or feel guilty after you choose to do something differently. And forget about it if you decide not to do it at all. 

I bet in some instances, you’re  judging yourself, telling yourself you're wrong, uncommitted, or falling short AS YOU ARE ACTIVELY IN THE PROCESS OF SELF-CARE!

This is all a product of the systems we’re living under that push commitment, discipline, and perfection on us at every turn. And when it comes to self-care, none of this is actually letting it have the effect we want it to.

In actuality, this approach it’s causing us to feel inadequate, unwell, and stressed, expend too much energy unnecessarily, and it’s pushing us further away from the care we need. 

Self-care is not about doing the right practices enough, so you’ve got to stop telling yourself it is. 

You are not the problem. Your approach is. 

Here’s why: a huge part of the stress reduction self-care provides lies in our APPROACH to self-care. It’s in the compassion and grace we offer ourselves as we move through the day thinking about and doing self-care. It’s in the curiosity of exploring new ways to care for ourselves to see what really hits just right for us.

Self-care truly CAN have the effect you want without you having to stress over it. But you’ve gotta change your approach. No more guilt, shame, or judging. No more obsessing over it. 

Let yourself simply eat, drink fluids, move your body, sleep and whatever else you do. Let it all be what it is. Let yourself embrace the ways you’re already caring for yourself. Take the stress out of it and shift your focus solely towards the care the ways you’re showing up provides. Resist the urge to qualify and quantify it all. And let what you’re doing be exactly what it is - enough. Offer yourself oodles and oodles of grace and compassion in the moments in between, however that looks for you.

And if you decide you’re at the point where you want to make some changes so that your self-care is even more potent or aligned, then do that with the most compassion and grace. And for more guidance on this process, head to this article [ link to next article].