81. When control disguises itself as good leadership, care, and even love.
Despite good intentions, our impact can still create dependence, limit ownership, or interfere with genuine connection.
Yup, you read that right!
In this episode, I’m talking with Dr. Shanesia Davis about the sneaky ways control can show up in our lives—not necessarily as some obvious need to dominate or dictate, but as fixing, protecting, perfecting, reviewing, helping, or simply believing that our way is the way things need to happen.
And here's the thing: a lot of these behaviors probably made sense at some point. They may have kept us safe. They may have gotten us praised. They may have helped us survive, succeed, or feel needed. But just because something worked for us then doesn't mean it needs to keep driving now.
Shanesia invites us to get curious about what's in the driver's seat, where our defaults came from, and whether the things we're doing are actually moving us toward what we say we want.
Because if you want people to take initiative, but you keep fixing everything for them…
If you want connection, but you're constantly trying to control the outcome…
If you want creativity, but people don't have room to make mistakes…
If you want people to bring their genius, but you've made your way of thinking the standard…
…We might have some things to look at.
And this isn't just about leadership. It's about humaning. It's about how we lead ourselves, how we parent, how we work with other people, how we navigate relationships, and how we create—or don't create—the conditions for ourselves and others to actually flourish.
In this episode, we discuss:
When control looks like care. Helping, protecting, fixing, anticipating needs, or stepping in can come from genuine care while still unintentionally limiting someone else’s agency.
Where our defaults come from. The behaviors we rely on today often started as strategies that served us at another point in our lives. We need to be able to identify them and determine if they serve us now.
Curiosity instead of automatic control. When we're stressed, we often want to fix the thing immediately. Curiosity asks us to slow down long enough to understand what's actually happening.
Are you modeling what you're asking for? You can't ask people to take initiative while continually reviewing, refining, correcting, and making the final decision for them.
Empathy without excusing. Understanding that someone's controlling behavior may be rooted in fear doesn't mean their behavior gets a free pass.
Connection doesn't always mean closeness. Connection can exist around a shared goal, mission, value, or outcome. You don't have to be emotionally or personally close to someone to work meaningfully alongside them.
Who are you underneath all the conditioning? Our ideas about professionalism, leadership, success, and who we're “supposed” to be can pile up until we mistake the conditioned version of ourselves for who we actually are.
Creating space for people's genius. Fear and control can create compliance, but creativity and innovation require room to think, experiment, make mistakes, and try again.
This conversation isn't about saying control is always bad or that deep connection is always necessary. It's about getting curious about what's in the driver's seat. Because sometimes the thing driving us is a behavior that once protected us, helped us succeed, or made us feel safe. And now, maybe it's taking us somewhere we don't actually want to go.
So the question isn't just “What do I want to happen?” It's also: “Are the things I'm doing actually creating the conditions for that to happen?”
Jump in for all the goodness!
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Additional resources from this episode: Get the episode transcript here.
More about Shanesia Davis:
Dr. Shanesia Davis is an executive and organizational leadership strategist, author, speaker, and founder of U & Me Consulting. Her work is grounded in her philosophy that “Leadership is personal work with public consequences,” helping leaders align who they are with how they lead. She is the author of From Control to Connection: Challenging Our Defaults to Create Conditions Where People Flourish and host of In the Leadership Lounge podcast.
Email: sdavis@uandmeconsulting.com
Instagram: @Shanesiadavis
Website: uandmeconsulting.com
